How Trust Is Like Marbles In A Jar

Author-Researcher Brené Brown’s abiding interest in the subject of “trust” was heightened by an experience her daughter Ellen had at school when a friend betrayed her trust.

Speaking at a UCLA-based Oprah Winfrey Super Soul Session, Brown used a marble jar positive behavior tool as a measure of how much we trust the people in our lives.

Research changed Brené’s ongoing assumption that trust cannot be built around small moments in our lives. “It is very clear,” she said, “trust is built in very small moments.” Trust is not an event; it collects/develops over time like marbles in a jar.

For example: When asked, one woman said, “Yeah, I really trust my boss. She even asked me how my mom’s chemotherapy was going.” One important marble in the trust relationship. Also, people who showed up for the funeral of other people’s relatives also earned a trust marble.

Trust marbles

Another huge marble jar moment for people: “I trust him because he’ll ask for help when he needs it.” That is to say, I trust him because he trusts me enough to be vulnerable. Brown knows that we are much better at giving help than asking for it because we are reluctant to be vulnerable with another person.

Brown decided to create her own definition of what trust is and the result is BRAVING. “When we trust, we are ‘BRAVING’ connection with someone.”

Here is an abbreviated version of what BRAVING means. For her full definition, you may watch the video in its entirety.   

BoundariesI trust you if you are clear about each of our boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.

Reliability –“I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do over and over and over again. In our working life we have to be very clear about our limitations so we don’t over commit and come up short. In our personal life, it means the same thing.

AccountabilityI can only trust you if, when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends.

VaultWhat I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence. This must be reciprocal.”

IntegrityI cannot be in a trusting relationship with you if you do not act from a place of integrity, and encourage me to do the same.”

In non judgmentI can fall apart and ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you. And you can fall apart and be in struggle without being judged by me.”

Generosity Our relationship is a trusting relationship only if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviors and then check in with me.

Brown believes that we cannot talk about trust if we generalize. Understanding trust gives us very specific words to say instead of using this huge word that has tons of weight and value around it.

One of the biggest causalities with heartbreak, disappointment and failure in our struggle is not just the loss of trust with other people but also the loss of trust of ourselves.

When something hard happens in our lives the first thing we often say is “I can’t trust myself. I was so stupid.” This BRAVING acronym works for self-trust too.

What Brown invites us to think about when we think about trust is – “If your own marble jar is not full, if you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have.” We have to start with self-trust. The poet Maya Angelou said, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves, but say I love you.”

If you find yourself in struggle with trust, first examine your own marble jar. We can’t ask others to give to us something that we do not believe we are worthy of receiving. You will know you are worthy of receiving trust when you trust yourself above everyone else.

A Search For Common Ground – Part Three: Conversations That Work!

A Search For Common Ground – Part One: Authentic Discourse

A Search For Common Ground – Part Two: Overcoming Resistance

None of us wants to be judged or criticized, especially for our thoughts and beliefs. We want to feel safe before we’re willing to talk openly and share our opinions, especially about “hot” topics. Because uncertainty induces fear, we want to trust in each other’s good intentions.

If you’ve decided to tackle a tough topic with someone and desire to have a constructive conversation rather than an adversarial debate or a conflict, recognize that there are always (at least) two sides in any situation.

TO PREPARE, ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS

1) Are you emotionally ready to resist the temptation to judge, criticize, denigrate or attack the person with whom you disagree in order to pursue mutual understanding?

2) Is your true motive for engaging in a tough talk about a social or political issue, to learn, to understand, to persuade the other person, or to win?

3) Are you ready and willing to listen in order to understand, without interrupting or judging?

4) Are you willing to be civil and speak with care and respect?

READY TO PROCEED WITH AN INVITATION TO CONVERSE?
1) Determine whether the other person would be interested in establishing clarity of purpose and a spirit of collaboration. Is it someone who would make the same kind of effort that you are prepared to make? If the person declines, accept the response.

2) Establish “ground rules” for how to proceed: one topic at a time, a time and place with no distractions or interruptions, no acting out (yelling, walking away, bad language, attacking), and shared speaking and listening time.

3) Bring your best self to the conversation. Manage yourself so you have no regrets about your behavior.

4) Listen actively — seek to understand with no interrupting. Paraphrase the meaning you hear and show respect by responding to the points made and affirm your understanding. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and ensures that you are both discussing the same thing and not talking past each other — a common problem with challenging conversations.

5) Speak only for yourself, from personal experience, not defending or representing an ideological approach or an entire political party.

6) Maintain a positive spirit of dialogue; a learning attitude. Avoid a critical or dismissive tone or other negative non-verbal communication— lack of eye contact, deep sighs, crossing your arms. This is important because the most powerful and credible communication is not the actual words we use.

7) Engage to comprehend the other person’s perspectives and beliefs, not to persuade. You cannot change people. The only person you can change is you.

8) Seek first to understand (facts, issues, perspectives, priorities), then to be understood. Assumptions are deadly and are usually wrong. Paraphrase the person’s meaning before you disagree.

Most of the time, discovery of common ground results from mutual understanding and regard for the hopes, fears and values that underlie individual perspectives and beliefs. For example, while we enjoy and value the liberties and freedoms assured by our Constitution, we may disagree about how to achieve and sustain them. Such are the challenges and opportunities of free speech provided by the Founding Fathers and protected by many wars. Freedom is not free.

Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High

CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS: Tools for talking when stakes are high

By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

crucial conversations

This is a terrific book! It delivers practical skills that will help you succeed with any crucial conversation in your life, whether personal or professional. Most people avoid having really important conversations because they fear a negative outcome. This is particularly true if the talk is with someone of importance in your life or it is a particularly difficult and meaningful topic.

Crucial Conversations will [Read more…]

Walking On Eggshells

 

The need to walk on eggshells around someone feels lousy! Whether it’s at the office or at home, the feeling of being on edge or needing to be extremely cautious with someone creates distance, tension and negatively impacts our state of mind as well as our behavior.

Perhaps you fear someone’s negative reaction because the person is too sensitive to handle something — they may be easily offended or take things personally. Maybe the person tends to react or even explode. Or, someone may actually refuse to acknowledge or speak to you.

Here are a few tips to help diffuse, or deal with, an “eggshell” situation. [Read more…]

Tough Talk Coach: In The News

I am happy to report that a recent edition of Pacific Coast Business Times featured an article of mine, “Tough talks can help you root out the real problems in your business.” Business owners and managers may find the article particularly useful, as communication problems and conflicts in their workplace may have causes that are not readily apparent. See the full article here.