How Trust Is Like Marbles In A Jar

Author-Researcher Brené Brown’s abiding interest in the subject of “trust” was heightened by an experience her daughter Ellen had at school when a friend betrayed her trust.

Speaking at a UCLA-based Oprah Winfrey Super Soul Session, Brown used a marble jar positive behavior tool as a measure of how much we trust the people in our lives.

Research changed Brené’s ongoing assumption that trust cannot be built around small moments in our lives. “It is very clear,” she said, “trust is built in very small moments.” Trust is not an event; it collects/develops over time like marbles in a jar.

For example: When asked, one woman said, “Yeah, I really trust my boss. She even asked me how my mom’s chemotherapy was going.” One important marble in the trust relationship. Also, people who showed up for the funeral of other people’s relatives also earned a trust marble.

Trust marbles

Another huge marble jar moment for people: “I trust him because he’ll ask for help when he needs it.” That is to say, I trust him because he trusts me enough to be vulnerable. Brown knows that we are much better at giving help than asking for it because we are reluctant to be vulnerable with another person.

Brown decided to create her own definition of what trust is and the result is BRAVING. “When we trust, we are ‘BRAVING’ connection with someone.”

Here is an abbreviated version of what BRAVING means. For her full definition, you may watch the video in its entirety.   

BoundariesI trust you if you are clear about each of our boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.

Reliability –“I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do over and over and over again. In our working life we have to be very clear about our limitations so we don’t over commit and come up short. In our personal life, it means the same thing.

AccountabilityI can only trust you if, when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends.

VaultWhat I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence. This must be reciprocal.”

IntegrityI cannot be in a trusting relationship with you if you do not act from a place of integrity, and encourage me to do the same.”

In non judgmentI can fall apart and ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you. And you can fall apart and be in struggle without being judged by me.”

Generosity Our relationship is a trusting relationship only if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviors and then check in with me.

Brown believes that we cannot talk about trust if we generalize. Understanding trust gives us very specific words to say instead of using this huge word that has tons of weight and value around it.

One of the biggest causalities with heartbreak, disappointment and failure in our struggle is not just the loss of trust with other people but also the loss of trust of ourselves.

When something hard happens in our lives the first thing we often say is “I can’t trust myself. I was so stupid.” This BRAVING acronym works for self-trust too.

What Brown invites us to think about when we think about trust is – “If your own marble jar is not full, if you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have.” We have to start with self-trust. The poet Maya Angelou said, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves, but say I love you.”

If you find yourself in struggle with trust, first examine your own marble jar. We can’t ask others to give to us something that we do not believe we are worthy of receiving. You will know you are worthy of receiving trust when you trust yourself above everyone else.

Esther C. Bleuel
MF, MFT, MDR
President and Founder
Esther is dedicated to empowering leaders and teams to improve the quality of their work and interpersonal relationships through the mastery of conversational skills. Contact Esther today for assistance with your tough conversations.

Why Good Leaders Make You Feel Safe: TED Talk by Simon Sinek

What makes a great leader? Management theorist Simon Sinek suggests that it’s someone who makes their employees feel secure — who draws staffers into a “circle of trust.”

Sinek opens his TED Talk with a story about Congressional Medal of Honor winner Captain William Swenson who, while in Afghanistan, ran into live fire to rescue wounded soldiers and pull out the dead. After helping one soldier into a medevac helicopter, the captain bent over and gave him a kiss before returning to rescue others.

It made a tremendous impact on Sinek who asked himself the question, “Where do people like this come from?” His first thought was, “They are just better people,” but he soon proved himself wrong.

The author of Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, Sinek discovered that it is the environment. “If you get the environment right, every single one of us has the capacity to do these wonderful things.” Sinek talked with many folks who we would call heroes and asked each one the question, “Why would you do that?” The answer: “Because they would have done it for me.”

Trust and cooperation are front and center for this kind of environment to exist. However, trust is a feeling and we can’t just tell people to trust us, to cooperate and to follow us.

Sinek goes on to explain that we have evolved into social animals from the days of the Paleolithic era to the early days of Homo sapiens when we lived and worked together in what he calls a “circle of safety.” It was inside the tribe, where we felt like we belonged. And when we felt safe amongst our own, the natural reaction was trust and cooperation.

The same is true today in a world that is filled with danger — where there are things that frustrate our lives or reduce our opportunity for success.

The only variables are the conditions inside the organization, and that’s where leadership matters, because it’s the leader who sets the tone. When leaders make the choice to put the safety and lives of the people inside the organization first, to sacrifice their own comforts and to sacrifice the tangible results so that people feel safe and know they belong, remarkable things happen.

Adds Sinek, “When we feel safe inside the organization, we will naturally combine our talents, our strengths and work tirelessly to face external dangers and seize opportunities for success.”

When leaders choose to sacrifice so that their people may be safe and protected, Sinek believes that the natural response is that, “They will give us their blood and sweat and tears to see that their leader’s vision comes to life. When we ask them, ‘Why would you do that? Why would you give your blood and sweat and tears for that person?’ they all say the same thing: ‘Because they would have done it for me.’ And isn’t that the organization we would all like to work in?”

I encourage you to check out Simon Sinek’s TED Talk.

I also encourage you to read a blog I wrote several years ago about “personal trust.” It is a topic that I think is vital to establishing and sustaining relationships of all kinds.

Esther C. Bleuel
MF, MFT, MDR
President and Founder
Esther is dedicated to empowering leaders and teams to improve the quality of their work and interpersonal relationships through the mastery of conversational skills. Contact Esther today for assistance with your tough conversations.

Clear, Credible Communication

Would you choose to build your house on sand or on a rock? Since sand shifts and erodes, it’s clearly the rock that would provide a solid and predictable foundation.

Building on a rock won’t eliminate issues such as wind, rain and storms, but in most cases, your well-built house will withstand the elements.

In much the same way, a relationship based on a foundation of trust and consistency can also withstand and recover from storms of misunderstandings, disagreements and confusion.

Because mind reading is not possible, we need to rely on and learn how to communicate clearly and concisely with words and actions that are congruent and devoid of discrepancies or conflicting messages.

Also critical to a clear message that gains trust is the alignment of words, non-verbal cues and actions. Said another way — Do what you say! Trust, respect and credibility are earned by consistent congruence between words and actions over time.

All too often, however, what you communicate to someone is not necessarily what they “hear.” While you may know what you meant, the other person may have understood something different. It is, therefore, incumbent upon you to verify that a listener received your intended meaning. And, the best way to do that? Ask the listener to restate what they understood in their own words.

Sad to say, most of us do not confirm our understanding of messages. Rather, we often tend to assume shared meanings of words and an approximation of the information conveyed.

Understanding is the purpose of communication! And so, the speaker and listener should mutually engage to reach common ground as a basis for discussion. Agreement is not required, but acknowledgment of another’s perspective is.

A little negotiating may be needed in order for each person to be clear about the essence of the issue or the topic, the objective facts, or even the purpose of the talk. The main thing is to keep the main thing as the main thing — have only one conversation at a time. Stay focused and on track. An attitude of openness, good will and a desire to learn is needed for successful communication.

Tips for rock-solid communication

  1. Talk about one issue at a time.
  2. Be clear about the specific outcome you seek.
  3. As a listener, paraphrase the speaker’s message.
  4. As a speaker, ask what meaning has been understood.
  5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
  6. When things don’t add up, clarify.
  7. Notice whether non-verbal cues match words.
  8. Be present; give your complete attention.
  9. Do not react; think before you respond.
  10. Be honest. Be authentic. Be yourself.

A sign on an office door in a neighborhood church reads,

For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a childcare center on the first floor.

You see the problem? Even though this sign is kind of funny, the message is not clear and does not inspire confidence.

As a speaker, be clear about your meaning. Then, stand in the listener’s shoes to imagine how your message will be received.

Build your relationships on a solid foundation of clear, credible communication that will earn trust — a priceless commodity.

Esther C. Bleuel
MF, MFT, MDR
President and Founder
Esther is dedicated to empowering leaders and teams to improve the quality of their work and interpersonal relationships through the mastery of conversational skills. Contact Esther today for assistance with your tough conversations.

The Importance of Trust – Part 3: Organizational Trust

Organizational Trust

When my boss reneged on a promise, it was the catalyst for my departure from the company.

Here’s what happened: The telephone sales staff had worked for minimum wage for over five years. My department was profitable and it was time to compensate them fairly. I worked with the VP of finance for over a year to accomplish this well-deserved salary increase, which was approved by the Board of Directors and announced to the staff. On the day the checks were distributed, the raise was not included! When confronted, my boss stated that he had changed his mind and was not able to honor the raise. [Read more…]

Esther C. Bleuel
MF, MFT, MDR
President and Founder
Esther is dedicated to empowering leaders and teams to improve the quality of their work and interpersonal relationships through the mastery of conversational skills. Contact Esther today for assistance with your tough conversations.

The Importance of Trust –
Part 1: Self-Trust

Self-Trust

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

I cannot stress enough the importance of building self-trust. To build trust with others, we must first start with ourselves. A lack of self-trust will undermine our ability to trust others. Although friends and family may be there for us, ultimately we have only ourselves to count on.

Here are some ways to help in the building of self-trust. [Read more…]

Esther C. Bleuel
MF, MFT, MDR
President and Founder
Esther is dedicated to empowering leaders and teams to improve the quality of their work and interpersonal relationships through the mastery of conversational skills. Contact Esther today for assistance with your tough conversations.